Decades ago, when I was a scout leader in Venezuela, we used to go to a mountain’s cave. We could only get out by passing one by one through a scary and claustrophobic narrow and impossibly long tunnel/passage, and once you were there, you couldn’t know what was in the other side, you just needed to TRUST and also would help, hearing the voices of those who were already on the other side. We used to rappel to get in, it was a great adventure of exploration of the land and our own fears and sense of trust in each other…now, decades in the future from that young woman, I am entering another cave and need to go through an unknowingly long and narrow passage…I have no idea what’s in the other side or whether there will be others receiving and encouraging me when and if I make it through.
I am both scared and excited, I have chosen a path with undefined borders and depths. I have no plan and carry a lot of burden with me that I will have to deal with or choose to let go.
Everything around me has been screaming “trust!” but the burden I carry tells me otherwise…”what if?” and so many feelings of guilt and confusion (how could I be so selfish when others don’t have this choice? I am privileged to have what I have!)…still, the contractions have already started, this baby will be born, even if I’m fully scared and contradict myself every hour There’s no way back or down to the old and well-known cave.
As a friend half-funnily said to me a couple of days ago: I have outgrown the pot, not that one you are thinking but the other: the pot/container where I had been planted, partially with my consent. All my body is screaming for a transplanting: I need to have my roots naked and wandering around until they find the ground and ecosystem they need for continuing growing, giving, being.
Your words and prayers of support and encouragement will be needed and fully appreciate through this process. I’m about to enter the narrow passage, and leave this cave…