Kaleidoscope ~ How to Keep Going

“Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
And she’s gone
Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers
That grow so incredibly high
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds
And you’re gone…”
~ The Beatles
kal11

Someone told me long ago: ”you have kaleidoscope eyes…”

I brought a gift to the sisters gathering: a kaleidoscope. I’ve always been fascinated by these devices as they show a never ending rearrange of colours and lights that is never, ever the same: such as our lives, all different and yet, so similar in their origins and needs.

When I was seven years old, I broke one of these kaleidoscopes open and was deeply upset for what I found: a few pieces of cheap plastic beans and mirrors…it was disappointing that so much beauty and inspiration could come from those cheap origins.

Then, I grew up and met you: we all come from the same mud, we are all so beautifully flawed and imperfect, we all (individually and collectively) carry a shadow. And yet, when we are together, we can produce such wonderful and powerfully inspirational beauty as in a kaleidoscope.

I heard stories…stories of grief and deep sadness, of strength and love, of courage and exploration.

We played and laughed, bonded and grieved, we allowed our hearts to break open, we carry so much baggage and still were able to carry each others’.

Making the pain go away? Is that even possible?

Get out of the ferry, walk to the bus, come home, do the laundry…clean the house, walk the dog, create a plan that would enable you to keep going when all your heart screams to come back…

After living in magic this coming back to “reality”, the drudgery of “to do lists”, one foot after the other, the inconsequential tasks and responsibilities of sitting in an office for hours with no end and stealing time from my own wellness and life to do the work of resilience and skill building while the world is crumbling…

How do you sustain this, how do you de-clutter and choose where to put your energy so it’s not lost? How do you marry the collective need with your own deep need…

What if the “solution” is to fully embrace the pain and look at its origins? What if the only way out of this is risking it all and embrace that what’s calling us so strongly, even when it sounds so irrational and against “the rules”? What are those rules after all? Aren’t them stories of oppression and separation?

I know what the pain is telling me, physically and spiritually I want to be with you and know deeply inside that in a sort of magical way everything else would fall into place: our mission here, the strength we need to continue and sustain it, the next steps, whatever they are…

But this “you” has changed so many times that I stay behind confused and exhausted, the old stories play in my head and make me feel suspicious, play safe, be careful so I’m not hurt once more as I’ve been so many times. And then I deny you over and over again…how do I know for sure? There’s no certainty in this life, except that feeling when I’m there with you, then any uncertainty disappears, and yet, I still walk over eggshells, not fully trusting.

The pain intensifies until it becomes unbearable. I die a bit every-day and I am re-born each time I interact with you, my people, my tribe, my friend.

I don’t believe in “fixers”, I don’t even have “hope”. I’ve seen too much, understood too much to be naive about timelines or exact formulas. What I have is this immense need of giving my love and be there for you all till the end…and through this being there for you all, I want you, my friend, to be at my side. Is that too much to ask? Why it has to be so difficult? to find you, to tell you what I feel, to accept I may not be perfect for you, that it may be too late, that our times (at least the linear ones) are a mismatch…

“Being human is messy” said the facilitator at the Constellation Work workshop. “You are supported by all your ancestors”, they said and I wanted so strongly to believe. But there was this blocking in me, this rigidity inside that rejected these humans I never knew and who didn’t seem to care about me either…where them even connected to me in any meaningful way? I ran to Gaia, Mother Earth, Pachamama and cried, hugging her: “You are the one, you are the only one and have always been”. She has always been, non negotiable love, so real and certain as the sun rising every morning and the spring coming after each winter…why is then that I still need you, this so specific “you” made all of her, as myself? Is it because I saw your essence and could love what you “are” before and beyond knowing what you have or what you do or have done?

I felt this immense happiness as I have never felt it before. The night I was told I was dying inside and had to let it go…that all my body was ready for the composting process, that I was done here in this particular linear “time” and “place”. Did I cry? No, I smile all the way…because I knew it. I have known it all the way, all the time: I’m dying without you, my love, my eternal friend, I’ve been dying all my life. “Unless you choose” the angel said…”unless I choose to embrace you” I added in my thoughts.

Have you been so much in love that you want to jump? dance? give yourself away to all and everything to allow them to find, heal, be what they came to be?

That’s what I felt: a love so immense it couldn’t fit in my small human heart and yet, it was there, exploding…and then I allowed myself to die, or did I?

Next morning in the garden, the magical cob bench from where I could see the world, the one where you were so present: the trees, the birds, the flowers, the morning fog, the inconspicuous “food” growing messily around this permaculture garden, the sheep calling, the morning smells and sounds. You were in it all, and the love coming through me the night before continued present there, reverberating on each ray of sunlight and dew, like tiny rainbows of eternal love…

“What’s sacred to you?” I asked…”what is non negotiable?” I continued…

So easy to say, so messy to choose…life design? is that even possible? Isn’t Life messy, chaotic, ever-flowing and challenging? But what if we can “design in” and “design out?” “In” the love, the sacredness, the courage, the compassion, more of your hands, your smile, your eyes, your essence so pure and bright I can see through your soul…and “Out” the separation, the boredom, the destruction, the pollution, the negligence, the abuse, the violence and betrayal against ourselves and others?

No tepid interventions anymore, no half-ways through, coming back to the shores to dry up and shelter. I want it all, I want to feel as alive as I felt this time, every time…and I want the same for you…

 

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

~ Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

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